Back in 1996, a buddy and I were on a road trip around the time fast food chain Hardee's released the original Monster Burger. Featuring something like two half-pound patties, six slices of bacon, three slices of cheese, plus all the fixings on a butter-toasted bun, that sandwich was a monster indeed.
Of course we raced in to try one, because that's what guys in their 20s do!
We may have been young and dumb then, but metabolism was still a friend and we finished every bite of those suckers. Along with the mountain of fries that came with them.
When we bragged about our accomplishment that next morning in the newsroom, a co-worker was so horrified that she called Hardee's Headquarters immediately to demand the burger bomb's nutritional information.
It wasn't pretty, tipping the scales at some 1,400 calories with more than 100 grams of fat.
Still, there wasn't anything like it at the time, so people may have shaken their heads but it sure didn't stop them from eating one when no one was looking.
Fast forward through the years following and you started to see competing chains going all out to come up with something even more outrageous - stuffing burgers with extra bacon, more cheese, giant onion rings, jalapeno poppers, whatever.
KFC launched the "Double Down," a bacon and two-cheese sandwich featuring two pieces of fried chicken as the "buns" holding it together. Burger King tripled its Whopper, Taco Bell placed an entire hard taco inside of a soft one and pizza places rolled out cheese-stuffed crusts.
Because, you know, there wasn't enough cheese on top already.
Little Caesars recently answered the call by using three-and-a-half feet of bacon (dear God) in its Bacon-Wrapped Crust Pizza, a move that quickly flooded YouTube with videos of customers orgasmically reviewing the new 450-calorie-a-slice product. Talk about food porn.
Now old enough to know better, I find these over-the-top restaurant creations throw me into a culinary rage.
Perhaps no more so than when I heard Pizza Hut's recent announcement that - based on the success of similar Cheeseburger-Stuffed, Chicken Nugget-Stuffed and Pizza-Stuffed Pizzas (yes, a pizza inside a pizza) in other countries - they would be introducing a new Hot Dog Stuffed-Crust Pizza in the U.S. this month.
I nearly wrecked my car when I heard the news, screaming at the radio and then immediately pulling over to call my editor. "What the heck," I said. "When will it end?" His sage words: "A response is required."
So here goes ...
That's right folks, you can now officially kick your will to live to the curb by ordering a pizza threaded with 28 mini hot dogs baked right into its crust.
Is it just me, or is this one of THE dumbest menu ideas ever? I think Pizza Hut has finally jumped the shark with this one, but I fear Americans will still show up in droves to try it out anyway.
Doing so may cost you your dignity. But hey, it does come with a "free" mustard drizzle.
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Although the "gross factor" of some of these crazy restaurant creations bugs me just as much, most detractors zero in on the unhealthy aspect of them. As much as I hate to say it, though, from a nutritional standpoint there are far worse offenders out there than Hot Dog Stuffed-Crust Pizza.
Pizza Hut has yet to release nutritional information for the new pie they'll be hawking, but health experts estimate it'll saddle you with about 460 calories per slice. That's not health food, by any means, but it's also not as bad as any of these:
Big Mac (McDonald's): 530 calories
Double Down (KFC): 540
Crunchwrap Supreme (Taco Bell): 540
Whopper (Burger King): 650
Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger (Wendy's): 680
Supreme Personal (Pizza Hut): 690
Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese (McDonald's): 740
Three-Quarter Pound Triple (Wendy's): 1,090
Triple Whopper (Burger King): 1,160
But wait, there's more!
Craving a sweet treat from Sonic? Many of the chain's ice cream concoctions - just one milkshake, mind you - include more than 100 grams of fat, which is nearly twice your recommended daily limit, and upwards of 140 grams of sugar, almost six (six!) times the amount you should consume in an entire day.
And their calorie counts (around 2,000 for a large shake) put that Triple Whopper to shame.
Steven Keith writes a weekly food column for the Daily Mail. He can be reached at 304-348-1721 or by e-mail at dailymailfoodguy@aol.com. You can also follow him on Facebook and Pinterest as "DailyMail FoodGuy," on Twitter as "DMFoodGuy" or read his blog at http://blogs.charlestondailymail/foodguy.